


Lessons For Eridan

by Path



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures, Problem Sleuth (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, Stabdads
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-20
Updated: 2011-09-20
Packaged: 2017-10-23 22:02:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/255492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Path/pseuds/Path
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan Ampora is twelve years old, and his guardian Mobster Kingpin has a few important lessons about life for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lessons For Eridan

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [THE TALK](https://archiveofourown.org/works/256190) by [lucky_spike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucky_spike/pseuds/lucky_spike). 



> Spike wrote what may be one of the funniest fics ever, but I have a slightly different Stabdads canon, so I wrote about Eridan getting The Talk from a different source. (In my head, Equius is the one getting the Most Uncomfortable Talk Ever from Ace Dick.)

Eridan Ampora is twelve years old, which is old enough for his guardian to allow his customary lectures to take a more adult turn.

"Squirt," says Mobster Kingpin. He always calls Eridan that, and Eridan hates it. He has learned a number of things on his guardian's knee, and embarrassment is not withheld from his lessons. "Squirt, today I am going to tell you about women."

Eridan is standing awkwardly in the center of the room, trying to watch anything but his guardian. The corpulent old man is sitting in his chair, fat fingers placed on the fat chair arm. Each finger has a ring, gold, bright stones, heavy and ornamented. One of Mobster Kingpin's hands weighs about as much as Eridan's entire body.

Eridan wants to fidget, to roll his own signet ring around his fingers and adjust his thick glasses and fix his hair, but he has been trained too well. If he doesn't pay enough attention to his guardian, Kingpin is just as happy to punish him. Mobster Kingpin has very strong opinions on discipline, which is to say that he believes that the discipline he received as a child should be enacted on every child, at the slightest opportunity. He wears a very thick belt, and Eridan mastered the art of pretending to listen years ago.

It was easy enough if you learned the right look of obedient admiration. You didn't have to feel it, and you didn't have to wear it anywhere he wasn't. Eridan's guardian was not a nice man, and he didn't expect anyone else to be nice, either. Eridan learned at a young age how to quietly think about other things while his guardian sat on his throne and made pronouncements like his namesake.

"Soon you'll be a teenager, Squirt, and soon they'll be flocking to you. Young women are whores, who chase after anything that moves, but you will have what attracts them most." It is an interesting introduction, and for once, Eridan thinks about it. Even at twelve, he is very fond of thinking about himself. He considers himself, and feels a little better; he is slim and tall for his age, and if he didn't have the thick lenses, he is quite sure he'd be the best-looking guy in seventh grade. But, "Power," continues his guardian, squashing Eridan's hopes that appearance alone would be enough.

"Power," says Mobster Kingpin again, rolling the word around on his tongue like a toffee. "And money, of course, but that's just power you can carry around in your pocket." He grunts and extracts a silver dollar from his pocket, flipping it in the air. When he catches it, it vanishes into his enormous hand, but it clinks against the rings, so Eridan knows it didn't disappear. His guardian doesn't do magic tricks.

"They're drawn to it like sharks to blood, Squirt, and they'll chew you up just as easy if you let them. So that's the first thing you have to learn, boy, is you have what they want, and you can't let 'em have it. Simple enough."

Eridan nods. He'd been geared up for the usual lecture, an overview of an enterprise he wanted no part in, a review of Eridan's grades at school and his conduct at home, but this is unexpectedly helpful. He noticed girls some time ago, but was still awkward enough to not know what to do with them. That his guardian (he refuses to call him "Father") has something useful to say on the matter astounded Eridan; the most noticeable things about Kingpin were his age and his girth, so Eridan could never understand the women who clung around him in various stages of undress (though lately he had begun to feel very uncomfortable indeed when they were around). Honestly, Eridan was just happy to hear it was Kingpin's money or power or whatever they were after, because he couldn't imagine anything else they'd want from him.

"You have to make a woman know where they stand, Squirt," continues Mobster Kingpin, and Eridan finds himself listening intently. Eridan is only twelve, but he already finds the thoughts agreeable. "They think they can control you, boy, but they can't. You're the one with the power. If a woman tries to control you, Squirt, or worse, if she betrays you, you just show her where she stands." Kingpin swats his arm in the air, a fierce and swift gesture with surprising power behind it. The man is fat and he's old, but he is strong all the same. His back-handed gesture stops still when he wants it to, and the light glints off the gold on each finger.

Despite himself, Eridan is entranced. He mimics the gesture, his thin arm smacking to a stop in the air. His ring glints too. On his throne, his guardian smiles. It is wide and malicious and, twelve years old and only just learning cruelty, Eridan still feels unbalanced looking at it. But, "Good boy, Squirt," says Mobster Kingpin, and Eridan feels a little better. He tosses Eridan the silver dollar, warm from his hand, and Eridan holds it in both of his and looks up to his guardian.

Mobster Kingpin hefts himself out of his chair and walks down to him. He pats Eridan on the head, messing his hair up (which Eridan knows well enough not to correct while Kingpin is watching). His enormous frame walks towards the door, and Eridan follows him. "Good boy," Kingpin repeats without looking back. "Stick with me, and you'll turn out just fine."


End file.
